maggeh@yahoo.com

9.28.00

Ever since the Monica Lewinsky thing, I've occassionally seen this guy walking down Market Street with a sign that reads, "IMPEACH CLINTON." It says some other stuff below, but I never bothered to read it. I figured the guy was just a political freak. Well, after several months passed and he was still around, I started to wonder why. This morning I read most of the rest of his sign before the bus moved along:

IMPEACH CLINTON
Nine Galaxies
United in protest.
1:04 p.m.

9.27.00

For all the guys who were feeling left out when I posted the fake nipple site, I present to you penisenvy.com:

"You can do something about your small penis! Are you tired of meeting attractive women only to find out they are into well hung guys? Are you tired of women who don't want anything smaller than 7 or 8 inches? Do you want to be hung like a horse? Do you want to enlarge your penis? Well now you can."
1:27 p.m.

9.26.00

I'm reading In the Skin of the Lion by Michael Ondaatje. I love this description of a girl rolling over:

"Clara turned slowly like something on the floor of the ocean."
2:27 p.m.

9.20.00

Another Onion tribute:

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers Junior
NEW YORK--Stopping for lunch at a Manhattan Burger King, New York Times 'On Language' columnist William Safire ordered two "Whoppers Junior" Monday. "A majority of Burger King patrons operate under the fallacious assumption that the plural is 'Whopper Juniors,'" Safire told a woman standing in line behind him. "This, of course, is a grievous grammatical blunder, akin to saying 'passerbys' or, worse yet, the dreaded 'attorney generals.'" Last week, Safire patronized a midtown Taco Bell, ordering "two Big Beef Burritos Supreme."
4:00 p.m.

9.15.00

This article made me sad. It's about people robbing hundreds of flowers at a time from a little park in San Francisco.
11:34 a.m.

9.14.00

Some chick is out at a bar one night thinking, "Sure, you can see my nipples thorough my shirt most of the time. But what if it's warm out, or my shirt isn't creating enough friction? There may be entire minutes when my nipples aren't as perky and visible as I'd like. How can I ensure that my nipples look exactly how I want them to look all the time?"

Enter Body Perks, a site that sells fake nipples to paste over your -real- nipples. The idea is that they'll be at attention all the time and will more effectively show through your shirt. And get their catchy ad slogan: "Nipples are in!"

Right.


2:04 p.m.

9.14.00

This is the most interesting portion of an article on the possibility of implanting computer chips in our brains:

Researchers at the University of Washington estimate that it will take them a decade to implant tiny computer chips into the brain of a sea slug, which will then be released to wander the ocean floor under video surveillance.

When the slug moves forward, dozens of intracellular electrodes will record its neural activity. When the slug stops, the electrodes will record that, too.

When enough data have been collected, the scientists will begin reverse-programming: feeding the recorded electrical patterns back into the slug's brain. If all goes well, the slug will go forward. (The military applications are staggering.)

10:28 a.m.

9.12.00

Technology advances so fast that I feel like Judy Jetson. This is a great idea:

The furry mascots of the 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney -- as well as an avalanche of caps, T-shirts, mugs, pins and other official Olympics merchandise -- are being tagged with invisible ink containing DNA strands from an unidentified Australian athlete.
3:44 p.m.

9.8.00

Engrish.com has a bunch of terrific Japanese mistranslations. This schedule book says, "Have a smell of panda droppings. This one is very fragrant."

10:23 a.m.

9.7.00

Disturbing auctions scours eBay and the like for items of concern. The "God Bless Our Truckers" velvet painting is an example, more of my favorites include:

A purse fashioned from a bull's scrotum.
A drunken noses "sculpture."
Ghost Poop.
1:49 p.m.

9.7.00

EMAIL MOMENT!

To: Me
From: A friend who just got off icq.
Scenario: He and a fellow programmer discuss a new word.
Excerpt:

maggie, you have to read this. it's an icq conversation I just had with Scott.

<stupid conversation>
Scott: I got mad perl hacking phearness!
Marty: phearness?
Scott: yes its a term that was created in this very room......
Marty: what does it mean?
Scott: it means kinda anything...but particular and in that expample its kinda like means that my mad perl hacking skilll are so great they should cause others fear..hence I got mad perl hacking phearness.....
Marty: that makes no sense. and what are you, a rapper?
Scott: its makes perfect sense...what kinda programmer are you? and no I am not a rapper!
Marty: -ness: suff. State; quality; condition; degree: brightness.
I'm pretty sure the prefix to -ness has to be an adjective. dictionary.com lists 0 references to fear being an adjective.
Marty: thus, it makes no sense.
Marty: it certainly doesn't make perfect sense.
Scott: obvisoiuly you just don't understand....you must have no programming phearness
Marty: I hope not, it sounds stupid
Scott: poor martin...your just not down with the scene
Marty: and I'm sure that neither you nor me could cause others fear via programming skill. in fact, I'm reasonably certain that bjarne wouldn't cause anyone fear due to programming skill, and he's arguably the best programmer ever.
Scott: why must you argue such points with me? just accept it as a cool word....obviously your just not under enough stress at your job to understand code hakcing phearness
Marty: well I'm certainly not under enough stress to invent grammatically incorrect affix construction and then incorrectly deduce its meaning.
Scott: i can mean whatever the fuck we want we invented the god damn thing and its not like the god damn english language makes any fucking sense anyway! bitch ass mother fucker!

</stupid conversation>
7:49 p.m.

9.1.00

AP Photo by Chuck Kimmerle, Grand Forks Herald
9:50 a.m.