maggeh@yahoo.com

12.29.00
I've become so accustomed to sardonic blog titles that I cheerfully clicked on Not So Manic Now expecting some witty little coed and a few snippets of his favorite Eminem lyrics. After reading a few posts, including one mention of a suicide attempt, I realized it was a "support blog" of sorts for people with bipolar disorders. Right... Not. So. Manic. Now. Have I mentioned I'm a bad person?
3:17 p.m.
The best headlines from this month's Martha Stewart Living:
That said, I'm off to carve some "natural sake cups" out of cucumbers.
2:30 p.m.
EMAIL MOMENT!
Character: Friend who's spending the holidays with family in Virginia.
Subject: What'd you get for Christmas?
Excerpt: My parents bought me a leather jacket last night, and, despite the obvious conservation of animals issue, I look pretty hot in it. I will probably be wearing said jacket on my return flight as my mother thinks the airline people know which bags have the expensive coats in them.
12:54 p.m.
12.28.00
A friend and I were driving through the city when I spotted a spray-painted wall. GAP IS KILLING REDWOODS!
Me: Gap is killing redwoods? I suspect Gap is doing worse things to humanity than that.
Him: Yeah. Like popularizing the color orange.
4:31 p.m.
Thomas Lynch is a poet and an undertaker. I'm reading his prose autobiography The Undertaking and he wrote something I liked:
"The meaning of life is connected, inextricably, to the meaning of death; mourning is a romance in reverse, and if you love, you grieve and there are no exceptions-only those who do it well and those who don't."
2:42 p.m.
"Alex, I'll take Needs a New Hobby, for $500." Someone collected all the phone numbers from movies and TV shows and put them at the 555-xxxx site. One redeeming point, as The Ultimate Insult noted, they do have The Simpsons' phone number.
1:25 p.m.
Catscan is a site that posts scans of cats. The instructions on how to scan your cat are almost as good as the JPEGs.
11:42 a.m.
12.27.00
I've never asked my roommate about his living room bookshelf. It's pretty small, so there aren't too many books on it, but what's there is pretty interesting. (As my friend Sam would say, "Interesting defined as something I wouldn't necessarily want to put in my mouth.") 5:10 p.m.
I really like this guy. Not only did we go to the same college (yeah, Aggies), but he's also named Ernie. Anyone who's gone through life with a Muppet name deserves some support. He posted a great white-girl description a few days ago, racist pig:
"Okay, I try not to play into the stereotypes, swear to god. But after listening to them on the radio, I look up Dr eam on the internet, expecting them to look like Destiny's Child, and I come across the four whitest girls on the face of this earth. Not even like typical white girls - they're like, Sarah Michelle Gellar, let's go to the mall, swing by Hot Topic and eat a Hot-Dog-on-a-Stick white girls."
4:04 p.m.
My sister is a full-time parent. Spending all day with little kids has its effects, and one of them is an inability to recognize sexual double meanings anymore. My nephew opened a Christmas gift that contained a soccer ball, a basketball, and a football. My sister promptly exclaimed, "Look at that! You've got some big balls, Trevor! You've sure got some balls!" When I burst out laughing, she just blinked at me. "What?"
2:19 p.m.
12.22.00
CalFed ad on BART:
"YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE BANKS."
Why do I suddenly feel like I should be wearing a shiny gold leotard and a cape?
11:01 a.m.
A quality rant from that other girl:
"I know this is going to sound really un-PC, but damn woman, get a life, get laid, get something cuz' this is just so stupid to me - 'Snowmen on Christmas cards reinforce traditional gender stereotypes by reflecting men in prominent, public roles and women in private, domestic situations...' I always just thought they didn't look like women because it is so hard to get the snow-boobies to stay on."
9:46 a.m.
12.21.00
This magazine ad for Christina Aguilera's new album reads like a blurb for a porn video:
"Like her other hits from RCA's Christina Aguilera, "Come On Over (All I Want is You)" finds the perky popster piping her tales of teen appetite."
2:46 p.m.
12.20.00
Ack! I love the "12 Galaxies United in Protest" guy! For those of you who didn't know who I was talking about awhile back, here's a site devoted to him that Mr. Kottke tracked down.
4:19 p.m.
Found this fantastic email on a bowling newsgroup. It was a search engine thing, don't ask:

Kathleen,
Hi sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I would love to se some of your cross stitch patterns. I am always looking for new project for the house or the kids. I am finishing one for the bathroom right now and do a lot for the kids rooms and little Christmas project and stuff. Bowling takes up a lot of time and so do the kids but I try to get everything in. Anyway, if you have a scanner and want to EMail them to me that would be great if not we can do it another way.
Thanks Again,
Sharon
12:18 a.m.
When I'm really tired, my contacts grow fur to keep my eyes warm. Ug.
10:18 a.m.
12.19.00
Stuff that creeps me out (second in a series): 1:53 p.m.
Things I never remember: 10:44 a.m.
12.18.00
EMAIL MOMENT!

Scenario:
A friend who wants to start crashing more dot-com parties.
Excerpt:
Dot-com parties rule! Ok, so I've only been to one, but it ruled! Ok, it was the most homogenous party I've ever been to but it was oddly comforting! And they played Pump Up the Jam!
1:55 p.m.
You always know something cool has died when your parents get into it. "Oh, Margaret, I bought that rap album by the blond boy named after the candy? M and M? Anyway, I love it. Just love it. 'I am Slim Shady, yes I am the REAL shady!' " Along those lines, yesterday I saw a Burning Man symbol painted on the side of a ... Jeep Grand Cherokee.
12:15 p.m.
Let's play the "worst way to die" game for a second. Acid bath, wheat thresher, slow consumption by hungry caged lions. (Stolen from Peex. )
9:55 a.m.
12.15.00
Most of you have probably seen this, I've gotten about five copies, but the photo is so worthwhile that you have to follow the link. Someone found a fried chicken head in their McNuggets.
12:18 p.m.
12.14.00
Kim Addonizio's letter-perfect description of love:
"It's the timbre of someone's voice, the shape of their hands, the way they open a grapefruit or turn toward something that captures their attention. It's the scar and the history of the scar, the pattern of small moles scattered on the forearm or belly, the words said or not said in love making, the individual, the unmistakable impress of that mouth and not another."
3:53 p.m.
San Francisco moment:
Guy on the street wearing the head of a kid's tiger costume as a hood, complete with ears. No one looks twice. God, I love this town.
12:02 p.m.
12.13.00
The Myrtle Beach Fire Department plans to return a large donation they received at a recent ham rubbing. But this wasn't just any ham rubbing, this was the Fourth Annual Ham Rubbing (all caps) at which "women danced on stage while having their bare chests rubbed with a ham. " Now that's entertainment-once you get that pesky gag reflex under control, anyway.
2:30 p.m.
People I wish I knew:
The guy on the train who had a patch sewn onto his jacket sleeve that read, "Missouri is for lovers." He also had a piece of material pinned to the back of his sweatshirt hood that said, "nomeansno."
9:54 a.m.
12.12.00
What I think of first, when I think of you: 2:54 p.m.
Guy in a pickup passes me with his Mensa bumper sticker affixed upside down. Oh-ho. Such wittiness.
10:09 a.m.
12.11.00
The photo that goes with this article is worth the link. Freekay. Seems that during WWII, a Nazi sympathizer planted a bunch of trees in the shape of a swastika. It's only visible from the sky when the leaves change in autumn, but they're still cutting it down.
2:07 p.m.
I'd be willing to bet that when most people let their minds wander, they think of something more interesting than:

Labor-Intensive Unshelled Legumes: A Short List My computer has SETI. What I need is a project that harnesses my brain's unused resources for the good of humanity. Perhaps I could power a very small light bulb or something. How 'bout it, science?
11:54 a.m.
12.8.00
Portraits in Stupidity, first in a series

The bus driver was a typical morning commute bus driver, stopping suddenly for no apparent reason, letting more passengers on the bus despite the laws governing volume, density, and morning coffee breath. The woman standing next to me had one arm wrapped around the pole for support. In her left hand she held a compact mirror, she was applying eyeliner with her right. The driver would slam the brakes, she'd wobble and narrowly avert skewering her eye. It made me nervous. Not because I'd mind having her out of the gene pool, but I have no idea what kind of detergent you use to get brain out of a new sweater.
3:44 p.m.
The people in my neighborhood: 10:07 a.m.

12.7.00
Now this is useful. A Palm program that helps you find the nearest bathroom.
3:13 p.m.
12.6.00
Your Mom portal. My favorite jokes are in the "Math" section:

public boolean whore(String x) { if (x = "Your Mom") { return true; } else { return false; }
9:51 a.m.
12.5.00
Are things really this bad in SF? Do guys with IQs high enough to code software need a guide that tells them how to approach a woman at a networking party? Um... you're networking, it's a party. Try "So, what do you do?" This is not rocket science, my friends. Then again, this article did have an brilliant piece of general advice for men on the prowl:

"Take a look at some of the spreads in Details. Do you look like that? No? Get yourself down to the Castro or whatever gay district exists in your town, march into the most fashionable and snooty clothing store you find and demand that a gay male employee find an outfit for you. "
11:07 a.m.
Someone gave me some "Tea Leaf Soap" as a gift awhile back. I finally opened it when I ran out of regular soap and used it this morning. It's a pretty deep green with little brown tea leaves embedded in it, and it smells nice. Of course, I was covered with little brown tea leaves when I finished washing. When I mentioned to a friend that a debris-laden soap seemed counter productive, she looked at me incredulously, as though I'd missed an entire chapter in the girl handbook. "Rinse it off," she said. Oh. Right.
11:07 a.m.
12.4.00
Ha! This is undoubtedly my favorite photo taken of me in my Halloween costume. You've gotta try pretty hard to look creepy in a girl scout uniform.
4:56 p.m.
I always have a pen in my mouth. This one tastes like detergent. Apparently, someone decided to clean my office supplies while I was at lunch.
3:19 p.m.
This guy lives in the suburbs, and every Christmas he puts up wood cutouts of reindeer having sex. The neighbors aren't amused, but I am.
12:23 p.m.
A friend sent me an email forward about the election that I actually found interesting:

A Zimbabwe politician was quoted as saying that children should study the US election event closely because it shows that election fraud is not only a third world phenomena. To illustrate the point, he made the following comments.
10 a.m.
12.1.00
The best magnetic poem I ever saw was on the office fridge of a little gamer company called Click :

Who is best?
I am.
10:50 a.m.

archives...november 2000



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