Mighty Girl
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11.29.01 SPEAKING OF "MORK AND MINDY"
Robin Williams was at the opening performance of "Proof" last night. He was wearing a suit with wide horizontal stripes in red, black, yellow, and green. We saw him at the after-party too, where one of my friends overheard him doing an impression of Osama Bin Laden's answering machine: "Hi, this is Osama, I'm not coming to the phone right now. Leave a message. Beep!" Everything is funnier when you're dressed like a carnival barker.

On the way home, we passed an adult bookstore with a marquee that read, "The female orgasm, fact or fiction?" Am I the only one who didn't know this was still up for debate?
2:43 p.m.

11.27.01 ADVENTURES IN COPYEDITING
Scenario: Deadline day. Sitting on couch, proofreading with co-worker for the last eight hours.

Me: Ogg Vorbis sounds like something off of "Mork and Mindy."
Her: Yeah, isn't that weird? Did you see the company name?
Me: No... (Scans article.) Xiphophorous?
Her: That's it.
Me: "Gentlemen, I present the honorable Ogg Vorbis from the planet Xiphophorous!"
Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!
Me: We're really rummy.
Her: Yeah.


(a few minutes later)

Me: ('50s radio announcer voice) Ogg Vorbis! AAAAAHHHHG VVOOOORRBIS!
Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!
(pause)
Me: Our lives are tiny and sad.
1:13 p.m.

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
There's a tatoo parlor near my sister's place called House of Pain. If I ever open a small business, I'm going to give it a similarly candid name. Perhaps a bikini-waxing salon called Torture Your Tenders. People appreciate honesty.
4:02 p.m.

11.26.01 MIDDLE AMERICAN GOODNESS
This weekend, I watched a documentary on the square dancing and clogging national championships. The voiceover narrative was priceless, "Dance Explosion has cause for concern. The Southern Belles are dancing so well, it's almost supernatural." Afterward a Lawnmower race came on.

Also, loved the "60 Minutes" segment on Thomas Kincaid, "painter of light." Collector: "We have the wall of cottages and the wall of inspiration... 'Petals of Hope,' that's one of my favorites."
5:10 p.m.

11.20.01 LADIES NIGHT
Scenario: Discussing the week's events.
Excerpt:

Lady 1: This week has been kind of tough. Jim has this really good girlfriend who he went to school with who's visiting. She's spent all this time working as a doctor in Ecuador...
Lady 2: ...Threatening.
Lady 1: And all the guys are friends with her, and when they talk about her, it's always in these awed tones like, "Oh, Abri this, Abri's so cool."
Lady 3: (Pulls in air through teeth)
Lady 1: And she is cool. I mean, she's done all this amazing stuff.
Lady 3: Bitch.
Lady 2: Ha!
Lady 1: No, she's really nice. Like, I'm thinking, OK. I'm going to try really hard to like her, because I know that my natural inclination is going to be to not like her, and that's not fair. But she turned out to be really cool.
Lady 2: Which is even more threatening.
Lady 1: No, I like her. I mean it's been a lot better than I expected.
Lady 3: You're a better woman than I.


Scenario: One of the ladies is in a band and wants to run a song by us.
Excerpt:

Lady 1: (Singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna see you again./ I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna kiss you again.
All: Woo hoo.
Lady 1: (singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna touch you again./ I wanna let you in!
All: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
Lady 2: Tsk! She's talking about emotional availability, you guys. Geez.
Lady 1: (singing) I wanna taste your SKIIIN!

5:08 p.m.

11.20.01 LADIES NIGHT
Scenario: Discussing the week's events.
Excerpt:

Lady 1: This week has been kind of tough. Jim has this really good girlfriend who he went to school with who's visiting. She's spent all this time working as a doctor in Ecuador...
Lady 2: ...Threatening.
Lady 1: And all the guys are friends with her, and when they talk about her, it's always in these awed tones like, "Oh, Abri this, Abri's so cool."
Lady 3: (Pulls in air through teeth)
Lady 1: And she is cool. I mean, she's done all this amazing stuff.
Lady 3: Bitch.
Lady 2: Ha!
Lady 1: No, she's really nice. Like, I'm thinking, OK. I'm going to try really hard to like her, because I know that my natural inclination is going to be to not like her, and that's not fair. But she turned out to be really cool.
Lady 2: Which is even more threatening.
Lady 1: No, I like her. I mean it's been a lot better than I expected.
Lady 3: You're a better woman than I.


Scenario: One of the ladies is in a band and wants to run a song by us.
Excerpt:

Lady 1: (Singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna see you again./ I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna kiss you again.
All: Woo hoo.
Lady 1: (singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna touch you again./ I wanna let you in!
All: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!
Lady 2: Tsk! She's talking about emotional availability, you guys. Geez.
Lady 1: (singing) I wanna taste your SKIIIN!

5:08 p.m.

SAFETY FEATURES
The 11.15.01 strip from Gimme Back My God was a good one, "This SUV comes equipped with many safety features. Which is good because if you're in an accident, you'll want to be in peak physical health as you gloat over the broken bodies of your victims."

BRING IT, GOOGLE
Someone just arrived at my site by searching for "erotic oktoberfest." I want that to happen a lot more. Erotic Oktoberfest, Erotic Oktoberfest, Erotic Oktoberfest.
11:08 a.m.

11.19.01 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERNIE
OVERHEARD
Characters: Two girls standing above the dance floor
Girl 1: I'll go over.
Girl 2: WAIT! We have to make sure he sees you first. Does he see you?
Girl 1: STOP LOOKING!

Characters: Friends on the balcony
Her: How's the trolling?
Him: Eh. It doesn't matter anyway. All these people are from Oakland, I'm never going to see them again.
Her: What? San Francisco is, like, 20 minutes outside Oakland.
Him: Yeah...
1:29 p.m.

THEY CALL YOU WHAT?
Do you live in the Bay Area? Go see Harmon Leon in "They Call Me Shitshoes!" It is a laff riot! Well, about three quarters of it is a laff riot, the rest is better if you've had a beer. Anyway, it's a one-man show by this writer (his work has appeared in Salon, Details, and Maxim) who travels around and goes to weird conventions. My favorite bit is about a Christian ventriloquist convention in San Diego, which he visits with his dummy "Mr. Cocksucker." It amused me greatly, you will like it:
Friday, November 30th
10 p.m.
$7
Spanganga Performance Gallery
3376 19th St @ Mission
San Francisco
415-821-1102

5:07 p.m.

11.16.01 EDITORIAL INTEGRITY PART DEUX
More fun with Craigslist:

"32 -- Recently laid off and now working in the sex industry?
From: asanders@sfexaminer.com
Thu Nov 15th

If you (or someone you know) lost your job this year and are doing sex work to make ends meet-- phone sex, dominatrix work or other sex-related gigs -- please email me. I'm working on a story on the subject and will keep your identity strictly confidential.
Thanks!
Adrienne"

In other news, a young girl with a long tongue (via ernie), and Peter Pan finally found his Tinkerbell (via MetaFilter).
1:29 p.m.

11.15.01 EMAIL MOMENT!
From:Intrepid reporter friend.
Subject: Editorial Integrity
Excerpt:
"As you may have heard, Mark told some brilliant lies and almost got me a job, but the facade cracked when his boss asked this pointed (and loaded) question: "Do you even know what newspapers do?" I mean, how are you supposed to answer that? Apparently, not with "no." So, providentially (which means "and then Fate/Satan played another cruel joke"), the building trade magazine I was freelancing for offered me a full-time job. They have a new Editor-in-Chief (third one in the same year -- how's THAT for job security), and she's got grand visions about making it a "real" magazine. Bless her heart. She's still fighting the good fight. Today, a guy from advertising came in and said, "Can you do a story on this roofing manufacturer? They just bought an ad," and she replied, "We don't do that anymore," and stared him down. Wow. She's going to get fired real soon."
11:55 a.m.

11.14.01 REALIZATION
My gynecologist's office is on Bush Street.
10:48 a.m.

11.13.01 WHY AMERICANS ARE FAT, FIRST IN A SERIES
So I'm watching this commercial for Tostitos Scoopers. The premise is that most chips aren't easy enough to dip. Regular chips are designed so that you can only use dips as a condiment, a chip enhancer, if you will. Scoopers have a more spoonlike quality that lets you eat entire tablespoons of sour cream with each chip. The dip becomes the object, the chip merely a passive conduit. Right now, they only make corn chips, which is too bad. If they made a potato chip version, it would be great for scooping butter.
3:04 p.m.

11.12.01 NOE VALLEY MOMENT
Sign in a shop window on my walk home: "Interested in cheese classes? Inquire within!!!" And the sad truth? I'm totally interested in cheese classes.
5:12 p.m.

FUN WITH CRAIGSLIST
Creepy missed connections ad on Craigslist:
" Do you live above the AMC theaters on Van Ness? (Across the street) Can you see me looking at you? Just WAVE..."

Enchanting, no? Especially that last bit, with the insistent "WAVE" in all upper caps. Who writes something like that expecting to get a date? "What's that you say, delightful thing? You've been watching me? Well, how quaint. I don't even know you, and you've already seen me naked. Rather amusing when you think about it. It really is so difficult to meet new people in the City, what with all the crazies about. Do come over for coffee."

In other news, a smashingly titled event from the entertainment section:
11/17-18: womens art faire this weekend 17th & 18th: 'OVARIA' (emeryville)
11:45 a.m.

11.9.01 RANDOM FUNNY
If you're of the "random equals funny" school, watch this short movie on specialness. It is special. (via evhead.)
4:35 p.m.

11.8.01 APPRAISAL
Cultural lessons via "Antiques Roadshow."

American:
-Yes, that's pretty neat. We're glad you brought it in today. Any idea what it's worth?
-None at all. No idea at all.
-It's quite an unusual piece, it's been a treat to see it. And I think--are you ready for this? I'd say around $800.
-NOOOOOOO KIDDING! Gosh! I had no idea! HA! Ha. I just can't believe it.
-And how much did you pay for it?
-Just three dollars!!!!
-Happy?
-Yes, that's just wonderful. Thanks so much!

British:
-Well, do you like the piece?
-Yeeees. Certainly.
-Yes, it's lovely. Well, do you get good use of it?
-Yes. Yes.
-Well, I'd say, if you wanted to replace it, it would cost around 15 katrillion pounds.
-Yes. Right. Thank you.

9:09 p.m.

11.7.01 STICKS AND STONES
Jason posted this link to a list of phobias. I lost about half an hour to it. There's a fear for everything (panophobia). I've categorized a few of the better ones.

Fears that amuse me:
  • peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth (arachibutyrophobia)
  • fear of Bolesheviks (boleshephobia)
  • fear of the pope (papaphobia)
Fears that make a lot of sense:
  • being severely beaten by a rod (rhabdophobia)
  • rape (virginitiphobia
  • pain (odynophobia)
Fears that have applied to me at one time or another:
  • dark (nyctophobia)
  • injections (trypanophobia)
  • oral surgery (odontophobia).
What-the-hell fears:
  • chins (geniophobia)
  • flutes (aulophobia)
  • objects on the right side of the body (dextrophobia)
Sucks-to-be-you fears:
  • music (melophobia)
  • poetry (metrophobia)
  • wines (oenophobia)
  • kissing (pilemaphobia)
  • falling in love (philophobia)
Good-luck-with-that fears:
  • time (chronophobia)
  • thinking (phronemophobia)
  • gravity (barophobia)
But my favorite fear of all time is hippopotomonstrososesquipedaliophobia. Fear of long words.
3:25 p.m.

11.6.01 TRANSIENCE
For a very short time, the article headline tag read, "Wall Street in full-on rally mode." A few minutes later it was changed to "U.S. Stocks Soar on Wall Street." I love the Web.
7:28 p.m.

11.5.01 CROUTONS SHAPED LIKE MICKEY MOUSE
Me: Jesus, that is so first world. "Tossing a salad's too hard. Why is there no implement to do this for me?"
Him: You better shut up. I love my Salad Spinner.
4:56 p.m.

11.3.01 SNAKES AND SNAILS
Henry is a 4 year old with the meanest blog around. Makes me misty for my babysitting days. Some excerpts:

We pulled the turkey out of the oven and set it on the table. Henry stared at it for a while in amazement. Then he looked up at me and asked, "Is it a baby?!?"

"What's Pikachu turn into?"
"Raichu."
"What's Psyduck turn into?"
"Golduck."
"What's Charmander turn into?"
"Charmeleon."
"What's Henry turn into? Henry turn into Daddy?"
"Aim a little higher, son."

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon we walked up the street to the ice cream store. Sun was out. Birds were singing. Neighbors waving as they swept their stoops. Henry screaming at the top of his lungs.
"No. Sleep. 'Til Broooooklyyyyn!!"
We're impressionable.

Pound for pound, Henry might actually be the most powerful entity in the Western United States.
P.S. We are running out of babysitters.

During a routine shopping trip to Walgreen's yesterday Henry started screaming that he wanted some chocolate money.
We were walking by the Gold Circle Coin Condom display when he started screaming it.

Ocean Beach.
Henry wrote his name in the sand, admired it proudly then very carefully erased it and walked away.
"Why'd you erase your name son?"
"Didn't want anybody to step on it, Dad."

Tracey and Henry went on a school trip to the pumpkin patch last week.
On the way home he says, "When pumpkins wanna communicate they turn into jack-o-lanterns."

I just taught Henry to say, "I like small Asian girls."
I'd like to apologize. I was bored and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
(I'm documenting this purely for future therapy reference.)

11:24 p.m.

11.1.01 HOT DIGGITY

This year's Halloween was super rockadelic. I dressed up as a Hotdog on a Stick girl, and Bryan (my ever-trusty sidekick) was an enormous hotdog on a stick. It was fun, if a little overwhelming because of all the Castro men exclaiming over Bryan. "What are you? What are yooou? OOOOHHH. NOOO. You aren't! You naughty, naughty thing. Largest on record! Soo naughty!" Rusa has more photos. Other highlights:

The drunk guy who was doing a very convincing girl imitation in his living room window above the crowd. He had on some bikini thing and a mesh beaded top, and he was grinding to wild cheers from the crowd below (most of whom were unaware that he wasn't a she). He ultimately grabbed onto his curtain rod to do a sort of improvised stripper routine. Of course the aluminum rod came crashing down, taking Paula Abdul right along with it.

The girl who passed me saying, "I wanted a guy to say that to me, not a girl."

A brief exchange with Evan:
Me: Hey! Someone just pinched my ass!
Evan: Me too.

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