Mighty Girl
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contact: maggie at mightygirl dot net

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Bryan Mason
Alice
Heather Armstrong
Matthew Baldwin
Sarah Brown
Heather Champ
Matt Haughey
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12.28.01 EXCERPT
Subway post from Andrew at the Morning News: "This morning when I got on the subway a mother and daughter -- the daughter around six years of age -- boarded with me. At every stop the girl raised her fists above her head and shouted, "Yaaaaayyyyy!" Each time her mother would say, "Not yet." When we reached the Union Square stop the girl said nothing. Her mother said, "This is where we get off." The daughter raised her fists above her head and yelled, "Yaaaaayyyyy!"
Posted by andrew at 06:35 PM, December 06, 2001"

3:41 p.m.

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12.26.01 WHEREFORE ART THOU?
Me: (Finishing up a story...) I thought it was pretty romantic.
Him: That is romantic.
(Pause)
Me: Have you ever noticed how a lot of guys are intent on telling women romantic things they've done for past girlfriends. It's like, "Ooh, check me out. I'm such a sneak-attack Romeo."
Him: Hm... You know, it seems like I'm always just about to do something when you say it's dumb.
Me: What?
Him: Like, I was about to tell you my romantic story, and instead I'm all, "Huh-huh, yeah. Stupid guys."
Me: Ha! Rad.
(Pause)
Me: Tell me your story then.
Him: No.
Me: Tell me.
Him: No.

12:35 p.m.

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12.20.01 SIGH
I found a crumpled index card on the street. It reads, "Funny how the freedom of youth turns to loneliness in old age."
4:29 p.m.

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12.19.01 FUNNY BUSINESS
So while I was at Internet World, Christine Hefner, CEO of Playboy and daughter of Hugh, gave a keynote. She was articulate and interesting, but an easy target nonetheless. While I snickered whenever she said "protecting our assets," Bryan provided the running commentary:

Her: The site attracted a whole new audience. As a matter of fact, most of them aren't readers of the magazine. In fact, most of them don't read magazines at all.
Bryan: In fact, most of them can't read.

The most intriguing part of her speech was how artfully she euphemized. Below are her quotes and my translations:

"Our advertisers know that we're one of the premiere magazines that focuses on the entertainment sector for men."
Men are entertained by spread-eagle photos of teenagers, our advertisers hope they will drink Jack Daniels while they Pat the Robertson.

"My father and I have always had very complimentary interests. Mine on the strategic business side, my father on the creative side."
I run the business, dad finds creative ways to schtoop blonde twins.

"We're also developing sections of the site that focus on specialized photography."
Catholic schoolgirls, Catholic schoolgirls and their sisters, Catholic schoolgirls and their cats, Catholic schoolgirl cheerleaders, Catholic schoolgirl cheerleader nurses...
2:21 p.m.

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12.18.01 FRIEND'S A FRIEND
Overheard
Scenario: Three coworkers commute through the financial district.

Guy 1: Bunch of us went over to Tonic last night.
Guy 2: Yeah, who?
Guy 1: Me, and Jason, and Mark and them.
Guy 2: No Chet?
Guy 1: Chet never goes out with us after work.
Guy 2: He's got some weird kind of personal life going on.
Guy 1: Yeah?
Guy 2: Like knows a bunch of people from college who live around here or something.
Guy 1: Huh. Did Jenn tell you that she met her Internet friend last night?
Jenn: (Warning tone.) Simmer down.
Guy 1: Friend's a friend, Jenn.
Guy 2: Friends are fun, Jenn.
Jenn: (Stony silence as she flips through Land's End catalogue.)
Jenn: ...Maybe I'll get a pair of fleece pants.
Guy 1: Why?
Jenn: For Minnesota.
Guy 1: You're going to buy a pair of pants for a week-long trip?
Jenn: Yeah. Why not?
Guy 1: (Presumably pointing at a Hawiaan shirt.) That's good for Fridays.
Guy 2: I stand firm that flowers on a shirt do not make it crazy. You know?
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: Like you can't just wear a Hawaiian shirt and call it a "crazy shirt."
Guy 1: I guess.
2:21 p.m.

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12.17.01 THREE MORE THINGS
Three favorite New York Signs:
  • Fight back NY, see a show!
  • Above a winter coat: Caring is giving! $129.99
  • Teen People's "Jingle Ball" Style Slam 2001
5:24 p.m.

FLY AMERICAN
Three disturbing things about U.S. airports:
  • Guys in camouflage toting semi automatics who smile and nod at you while you're being frisked.
  • Eerily empty terminals when you disembark.
  • Self-flushing toilets.
3:13 p.m.

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12.13.01 SPECTACULAR SPECTACULAR
How can I describe the spectaculitude of the Rockettes' Christmas Spectacular? There were ice skaters, there were illuminated headpieces, there were 3-D glasses attached to the program. Santa Claus was doing pelvic thrusts, more than 70 leggy precision dancers grinned and shimmered in ethereal high-kick splendor, and just when you thought it couldn't get any better, dancing dwarves took the stage.

Any complaints I'd otherwise have about the extreme corniness factor were mitigated by the easily amused women behind me. Everything cracked them up, and that cracked me up, and all of us were happy:

Mrs. Claus: Where can Santa be? Haven't we had any word?
Elf: (Waving piece of paper.) This just came in from Santa's mobile fax!!
Knee Slappers: HAR! HAR! HAR!

Santa: Did we get all the letters?
Elf: Checked and ready, sir!
Santa: What about my email?
Knee Slappers: HAR! HAR! HAR!

See? Santa plus technology equals laff riot! Who knew?
12:44 p.m.

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12.12.01 OH, WHAT A FEELING
(Guy in car playing string instrument.)
Me: What's he playing?
Guy 1: Looks like a mandolin or something.
Guy 2: ONE NIGHT ONLY! In my car!
(An hour later, walking back after breakfast.)
Me: What the...? He's still there.
Guy 1: Hey, some guys have a favorite stairwell, some guys have a favorite street corner, he likes that Nissan.
Me: Please, it's a Corolla. It's probably not even his car.
Guy 2: He just trolls the streets looking for empty Corollas.
Guy 1: Corrolla's got great acoustics, yo.
4:47 p.m.

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12.10.01 OVERHEARD
Scenario: Ten college guys waiting at the 2nd Street Station.

Guy 1: (Extending a hunk of beef jerky to his friend.) Bite my big sausage.
Guy 2: No.
Guy 3: Bite it!
Guy 2: No, I'm not gonna.
Guy 4: C'mon, bite it!
Guy 5: Bite it! Bite it.
All: (General bite-it-related jeering).
Guy 2: No way.
Guy 1: C'mon, bite my big sausage.
Guy 2: No, man.
Guy 1: I'll put in $20 if you bite my big sausage.
Guy3: Me too.
All: Me too.
Guy 1: That's like a hundred bucks if you bite my big sausage.
Guy4: No way, he has to take two bites for a hundred bucks.
Guy 1: OK, two bites of my big sausage for a hundred bucks.
Guy 2: Cut it out.


DADA ON 58TH
The Hudson is a hip hotel, the kind of place where the bar floor is lit from below and the showers look like they could beam you up. After checking out, I turn to see a firefighter ascending the escalator in full fight-me-some-fire gear. He's followed by another, and another... and so on. Suddenly, there are five men with oxygen tanks searching for smoke to a saucy Latin beat. No one seems to notice. I think, "Um, the building's on fire." I look at the guys in flame-retardant suits, I look at the counter people quacking pleasant counter banter. No one is curious, no one is ruffled, the speakers continue to coo "Oye Como Va." An Asian woman admires the leopard-skin pillow on a lobby chair, her friend approves. To her right, a firefighter unfastens his pickaxe and peers into a suspect stairwell. I think, "Um, hey? Guys? Is the building on fire?" The firefighters' search takes on less urgency, and a few guests begin to notice them. These people gather around the firemen with coffee table books on New York... and request autographs.
1:28 p.m.

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12.7.01 PACKED ALL MY BLACK CLOTHES
I'm leaving for Internet World in New York tonight. This will be my first time in NY, suggestions welcome. If you're at the show, please say hi.
1:28 p.m.

LIKE MINDS
More fun with Craigslist. Two recent favorites from the San Francisco general community section:

90 -- MOHAWK advice needed (san francisco)
I have a brand new mohawk and need advice on how to look professional when I need to. Any tips on how to look cool on the weeked (sic) would be helpfull (sic) also.
thanks.

35 -- Full Moon Circle?
Does anyone know of a full moon circle I could join? I'm female and would love to worship the moon w/ others! Let me know... THANKS!
1:28 p.m.

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12.6.01 LADIES NIGHT EXCERPTS
Lady 1: Tell them about what you got John for Christmas. I think this is funny.
Lady 2: What?
Lady 1: Jane and I went Christmas shopping and she bought lacy undies for herself as John's Christmas present.
Lady 3: Sweet.
Lady 1: I think it's cute.
Lady 3: What do they look like?
Lady 2: (Describes skimpies.) My starvation diet starts tomorrow.
All: Hahaha.
Lady 4: Hence, the fat-free fudgecicles.
Lady 5: The fudgicles are fat free?
Lady 2: Yep.
Lady 5: Oh man! How could you do that to us?
Lady 2: They're really good.
Lady 5: So close...yet so far. Well, I guess we could always dip them in frosting.
Lady 6: I think I've got some Magic Shell somewhere.

(Highlight of a short sanitary products discussion:)
Lady 1: Someone once said that removing a tampon is like pulling a dead, wet mouse out of a wine bottle by its tail.
All: Whoa!
Lady 1: Dead on though.
Lady 2: Yeah. Pretty much.
1:28 p.m.

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12.4.01 WHICH OF THESE KIDS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS?
The charming young fellows over at The Morning News just posted a roundtable discussion of writing on the Web. They talked to me, Dean Allen of Textism, Joshua Allen of Fireland, Wil Forbis of Acid Logic Michael Goldberg of Neumu.net, Matt Haughey of MetaFilter and Whole Lotta Nothing, Joshua Robin of Newsday, and The Web Today of...The Web Today. Go see.
4:38 p.m.

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AUTUMN ON THE WEST COAST
I walk past a florist every morning. About a month ago, I realized it was fall because all the buckets were filled with orange chrysanthemums. San Francisco foliage.
4:02 p.m.

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12.03.01 KALIFORNIA KLEAN
The side of the van read:
Totally Clean Housecleaning
415-877-TOTALLY
2:43 p.m.

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