Mighty Girl
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contact: maggie at mightygirl dot net

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2.28.02 OVERHEARD: CITY PARKING
Scenario: Two young men walking to work. One is wearing leather pants; the other, sport sandals and a baseball cap.

Guy 1: Did I tell you that you can park over there for ten bucks? Right there. All day.
Guy 2: Shit. That’s a good reason to get a car.
Guy 1: Yeah it is.

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2.27.02 ACTUAL SKY
From Beckian Fritz Goldberg's "Being Pharoh"

Each time we fall out of love, we
say it wasn't really love at all, as if,

landing, a plane would say no, not
actual sky
.


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2.24.02 LAND THAT I LOVE
Slowdog says: “In the Fry's Electronics store in Palo Alto, the American flag hangs proudly over the porn section of the magazine rack. God bless America!”
4:21 p.m.

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2.23.02 BIATHALON: CROSS-COUNTRY SKI AND SHOOT

Context
Him: Don’t we have more guns per capita than any other nation? We are a nation of guns! Why aren’t we taking this event?
Me: Perhaps if the targets bled.

How much for the team?
Him: This would make a great bachelor party
Me: A ski and shoot?
Him: Yeah. They're all these tight chicks, they’re wearing spandex body suits, and they shoot at shit. That’s way better than some stripper.

Hurry up Helga
The biathalon isn’t exactly a fast-paced sport. They play up-tempo music over the loudspeakers to amp the crowd, but the race is pretty much decided several minutes before it ends. Announcers still have to come up with something to say, and they often don’t speak English as a first language. Highlights:
  • Five minutes before finish: “Unless something freaky happens to her on the course, it looks like the German team will take it. “
  • Three minutes before finish: ”If you look at the video board time, then it’s like the Germans are running around with a smile on their lips. “
  • One minute before finish (only one competitor is even in sight of the finish line): “She’s looking behind her, to see if anyone can beat her. But 33 seconds, it’s too much.”


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WOMEN’S HOCKEY, GERMANY VS. KAZAKSTAN
After a few beers, rooting for Kazakstan can be very satisfying. When the crowd goes quiet, there’s nothing like the simple, yet elegant, “KAZAKSTAN!” Or the quintessentially American, “GO BIG BLUE!” My companion favored, “GO FORMER SOCIALIST SOVIET REPUBLIC!” I love hockey.

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2.11.02 MEN’S SPEED SKATING 1000M
I have never seen so many clothed naked men in my life. Also, the Korean uniforms make their skaters look like giant cereal boxes.

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HOT OR NOT, LIVE
Him: Did the National Gaurdsman kick the magnometer when you walked through?
Me: What?
Him: They do that to girls, especially pretty girls. They kick it to make it beep. We had to talk to them about it.
Me: You’re kidding me.
Him: Nope.
Me: Huh
Him: It didn’t beep when you walked through?
Me: No.
Him: Oh.

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MARKED BY WISDOM AND CALM JUDGMENT
The cashier at the Salt Lake City Barnes and Noble had three lip rings, two eyebrow studs, and too much jewelry in her ears to count. She also had dense tattoo sleeves, the most visible one being a tribute to the band Korn. Her nametag read, “Sage.”

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CAUTION
On Main Street, everyone waits until the light is green before they’ll cross. Main Street is blocked off.

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A STAH, BABY
Glenn’s Key Lock and Safe has one of those marquee signs. Right now it says, “Everyone is a star.” Hey. Thanks, Glenn.

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SEVEN REASONS WHY I LIKE MORMONS
  • When I was a kid, all the Mormons I knew had trampolines.
  • When I was eleven, mom and I took a road trip and ended up in Salt Lake City. Mom, meticulous driver that she is, turned the wrong way down a one-way street. No one honked, no one screamed obscenities, no one even rolled their eyes. Instead, the three lanes of traffic facing us stopped, and everyone leaned out their windows. “Ma’am, you’re going the wrong way.” “Turn around, you’re going the wrong way.” My mom gasped, “Oh, shit,” and flipped a U. The helpful motorists waved as they sped by.
  • A few days later, a horrible clanking noise seemed to be coming from our engine. Mom rolled into a local mechanic, in an expensive car, figuring we wouldn’t get it back without dropping a few grand. The mechanic got in, rolled a few feet, then got out and tightened a bolt that had been clanging around in our hubcap. My mom swallowed, “Oh my God. What do I owe you?” He laughed, “Nothing! I don’t charge for tightening bolts.” Mom gave him a hundred bucks. She had to force him to take it. When we got back in the car she said, “Always reward honest people, Margaret.”
  • In high school, Jen Keys used to invite all of us to Mormon dances. We wore skirts that barely reached our knees, and then hiked them up once inside. Five or six of us would start a tame mosh pit while the Mormon kids gave us a wide berth and cast uneasy glances at the Elders scattered around the gym. Everyone danced to slow dances with one hand held out, as though they were waltzing.
  • A few days ago, I left my purse at a Salt Lake City bar. In the morning I called the bar in a panic. Someone had turned it in. All the cash was still inside, as were my tickets to two events.
  • Mormons are big into converting people, but they promised to lay off for the Olympics. I was dubious. I had a day to kill in downtown Salt Lake and was approached no less than three times by men who love them the Jesus. My first uninvited visitor sat down next to me at the Coffee House. Baptist. My second friend took a seat with me at the deli despite my most convincing warning look. Baptist. The third one stopped me for directions and segued into whether I had seen his pamphlet, “More than Gold.” Baptist. Now, most of my family is Baptist, but by the end of the day I was in awe of Mormon restraint. I longed for those bike-helmeted, tie-wearing young men who leave you alone when you ask them to go away.
  • Many, many Mormons are blonde. Because I have always imagined that the Church must hand you a bottle of peroxide upon conversion, I find this amusing.

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HOLLAND HOUSE
Security Guard: Are you Dutch?
Me: No.
SG: Sorry, private party tonight. Only Dutch people.
Me: We’re Dutch.
SG: Go ahead then.

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DICHOTOMY
Curling is so stupid that it actually angers me. Kettle Corn is delicious.

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HAIR OF THE DOG
The cab driver is hacking. The kind of hacking that comes from deep in the chest, but doesn’t seem to be doing any good. Between hacks, he wheezes, trying to get air some air in behind his coughs. He pauses for a moment, and says “Mind if I smoke?”

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2.14.02 ALL THE WRONG PLACES
I found a flyer on the street a few days ago for an escort service. It's called "Teeky's Got the Hook-Up." According to the flyer, "Teeky" offers student and senior discounts. Sweet.

Happy Valentine's Day, all. I'll be in Utah for the next few days, so updates may be erratic/non-existent.
11:55 a.m.

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2.12.02 OVERHEARD
Scenario: Two girls working at a bead store on the Haight.

Girl 1: The weirdest thing happed to me a few days ago. There’s this bum, right?
Girl 2: Yeah.
Girl 1: And we start talking, and he says, “Do you mind if I ask you something?” and I’m all, “Sure.” So he’s like, “Are you on your period?”
Girl 2: GROSS!
Girl 1: I know! I’m like, “None of your business, pervo.
Girl 2: Seriously.
Girl 1: Yeah… But the weird thing was, I was.
Girl 2: On your period?
Girl 1: Yeah.
Girl 2 :Sick!
Girl 1:Isn’t that sick?
Girl 2: Well, how did he know?
Girl 1: I don’t know.
Girl 2: Weird. I wonder how he knew.
Girl 1: Yeah.
2:54 p.m.

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2.11.02 WHAT KATE SAYS
Kate 1 has been trying on wedding dresses: “An actual, living person just told me that this bra doesn't hold my boobs high enough.”

Kate 2 had an Amelie moment: “Today I got real, honest gratification from peeling a Clemintine orange.”
5:07 p.m.

GOOD WORD
Weltschmerz
The unhappiness of eternal disappointment in life as it is.
5:07 p.m.

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2.7.02 MY COSMOPOLITAN LIFESTYLE
The girl at the video store knows what movies I want to see.

Her: Hey! How are you?
Me: Good! You?
Her: Good! Are you renting two?
Me: Yeah.
Her: Want to see Ghost World? We just got it in.
Me: Yeah!
Her: Should I put it on your book?
Me: Please. Thanks so much, I’ve really been wanting to see this.
Her: Well, that’s what happens when we get to know you.

No, sweet thing. That’s what happens when I need to leave the house more.
4:13 p.m.

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2.6.02 I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW
Tiffany is posing in Playboy. This makes me feel old and unclean.
3:39 p.m.

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2.5.02 OLYMPIC INSULTS
Bryan is working at the Olympics. This is from his site:
Overheard Yesterday
How male skaters dis' one another:
‘Dude, you looked fat in Sports Illustrated’"
3:29 p.m.

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2.4.02 LADIES NIGHT EXCERPT
Lady 1: I totally saw scrotum in yoga class.
All: UGH!
Lady 2: What do you mean, you saw it?
Lady 1: Like, it was right there, like hanging out.
Lady 3: Couldn’t you just… look away?
Lady 1: Well we were doing this swan-dive thingy where you bend over (bends gracefully at waist with arms extended behind her), so your face is right at someone’s butt. And his scroat was, like, right there. Huge ball sack.
Lady 2: Hanging out of his shorts or something?
Lady 1: Yeah.
Lady 4: Yuck.
Lady 1: Yeah. I was traumatized.
3:29 p.m.

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2.1.02 THESE THINGS HAPPEN
Friday Night
  • Two boys are making noise on 2nd Street. One is yipping, one is mee-meeping like the Road Runner. The dog-boy sees me as they pass and lunges, “BARK!” Right in my face.
  • On Clement Street the cable car driver plays the bell like a steel drum. ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-da-ding
  • At Kell’s I realize I’ve forgotten my ID. The doorman will not believe that I am 26. He asks where I live. He asks about my favorite neighborhood bar. He asks what the bartender looks like.
  • I’ve arrived in the middle of a conversation: “That would be a great band name.” “What?” “Dermatological Opposites.”
Sunday Night
  • I meet someone who uses the same online dating service as my sister. I ask if he has read my sister’s ad. He has. This stranger and my sister share an exact demographic profile. For this reason, I like him more.
  • We put in a Stevie Wonder CD in the boombox resting on the kitchen table. It is too loud, so we move the radio to the floor. We decide “Stevie on the Floor” would be a good band name.
Last Night
  • My cab gets in an accident, the other guy’s fault. The two drivers make an agreement to pull to the side of the road to further inspect the damage. As we are pulling out, the other driver guns it across three lanes of traffic and takes off the wrong way down a one-way street. God has His finger on that guy now.
This morning
  • I drop my magazine in the bathtub.
  • There is a leaf dangling from the orange tree on 25th Street. It is twisting from a single strand of spider web.

11:06 a.m.

FIGHTIN’ WORDS
“Many nations are realizing (that) when we say you’re either with us or against us we mean it,” Bush said. “There’s no middle ground when it comes to freedom and terror.”

Switzerland, watch your back.
10:26 a.m.

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