Mighty Girl
My face.


contact: maggie at mightygirl dot net

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6.28.02 I CAN ONLY HOPE NOT
Email subject header:
Maggie, do we have a synergy?

NO MONEY
Two old men stand on the streetcar island waiting to board. One is wearing a straw fedora, the other a newsie cap.

Man 1: I ain’t got not money. You got money?
Man 2: (Shrugs.) Guess we got to walk then.
Both: Hahahahahahaha.
(Short quiet conversation with bus driver ensues. The men climb aboard.)
M1: Hey, who’s that girl I saw you with?
M2: Who dat?
M1: The girl in the park.
M2: Oh.
M1: That Romie?
M2: Yeah.
M1: So… Wapbopadeebot?
M2: HA! Yeah, man. Wapbopadeebot. It’s birthday time.
Both: Hahahahahaha
M1: You know Tony Bennet sang that song, “I Left My Heart in San Francisco?”
M2: What about it?
M1: Well you left your heart in...
Both: hahahhahaha
M2: Man, I ain’t got no heart. Jus somethin poppin in my chest.
Both: hahahaha
M2: “Streetcar Named Desire” more like it.
(They sigh together.)
M2: Man, I don’t even care. I’m on vacation. I got me a week off.
M1: Where you goin?
M2: To sleep.
M1: Sleep is right. You doin a lot of “sleepin.”
M2: Yesiree Bob.

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6.27.02 GAY PRIDE WEEK
I'm sifting through the handbags in my favorite Mission thrift store, when the man next to me taps my shoulder. He's attractive, well-dressed, late forties.

Him: Excuse me, can I ask your advice?
Me: Sure.
(He holds up a feminine red blazer and two purses.)
Him: Which of these purses goes better with this blazer?
Me: Well, the left one won’t work because the reds don’t match, and the one on the right is a little crazy. Is the woman artistic?
Him: I sure am.
Me: So, you're the woman.
Him: Yep.
Me: Then it’s perfect. Have a fun weekend.

ONLY YOU
This morning I noticed a smoldering cigarette in the street. As most of the western United States is on fire right now, I walked a few steps over and crushed it with my toe. Then I realized how silly the impulse was. It's not as if the asphalt were about to ignite. For a moment, it made me a little sad to live in a place where nothing burns.

MASTER OF MY DOMAIN
I'm way too excited about this. Two days ago, I successfully registered mightygirl.org and mightygirl.com. Triumviratacious. Troikarama.

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6.26.02 SPEAKING OF SEATS
I don’t like it when my seat is unexpectedly warm, it seems too intimate. On the bus, on the can, in the diner--I don’t want someone else’s heat on my bum.

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6.25.02 RAISE YOUR HAND
When someone is sitting next to you on the streetcar, then rises to take a single seat that opens up, should this offend you?

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6.24.02 MINORITY REPORT
I liked this movie. Tom Cruise looks good bald. This means that we can look forward to watching him decay onscreen as he's paired with increasingly attractive 19-year-old leading ladies.

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HOOTENANNY (OR THANKS, MR. DAVE)
Saturday night, I went to see Chris Isaak and Natalie Merchant at the Chronicle Pavillion in Concord. Ms. Merchant, you may be surprised to learn, is a mover. She bends at the waist, rips her head back and forth, and uses her elbows to do a convincing airplane propeller imitation. It’s fascinating and somewhat terrifying. I wanted to catch her head and say, “Natalie, Natalie, you’ll need your neck in the morning, love. Stay away from that bad man with the Minithins.”

Chris Issak is so much the better once you have a good wine buzz. This was easy to come by, as the walking vendors were selling carafes of red wine. I shit you not. This was when I knew I’d landed squarely in my target demographic, and I went down without the slightest struggle. The audience was a sea of happily bouncing white thirtysomethings wrapped in fleecy goodness. I had my Calvin Klien Jeans, a cellphone in my pocket, and a general sense of goodwill. I’ll be expecting my Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail next week.

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6.20.02 FEAR YOU BEFORE THEY FEEL YOU
Excerpted from Nothing's Shocking by Dennis A. Mahoney:

"We’re left with 100-pound weaklings like Eminem kicking sand in our faces. In his latest single, 'Without Me,' the wild rapper hits controversial targets like TRL, techno music, and Saddam Hussein. Oh shit -- did he just slam Iraq? White boy crazy."

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6.19.02 DENVER
I just got back from Colorado, home of The Melting Pot, an all-fondue restaurant. How many times have you thought, "This food just isn't… melted enough. Where can I go for more glutinous culinary options?" Colorado, my friends, land of cheese and honey. And if you’d like a nightcap after a satisfyingly runny meal? Locals head over to Prom Discount Liquors (for all of their underage drinking needs).

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6.18.02 INDIGNITIES
"Chagrin and Men I Have Loved," I wrote a new piece for the Morning News.

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6.12.02 POINTS OF INTEREST
We went on a hike in Lassen National Park this last weekend. (Hike is a euphemism for seven hours of off-trail snow plowing in running shoes while clinging to the nice young man with the GPS.) Some favorite things from the trip up:
  • A billboard for Colusa Casino advertising high-stakes bingo.
  • Hogsback Road, where an obviously important hog-related event presumably took place sometime in the 1900s.
  • A truck with "Chevrolet" airbrushed on the back in flowing script. There were rose vines circling the word, and a big red apple in place of the "O."
  • James and Son Prune Dehydrators.

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6.11.02 WEIRD DREAM
Jim Carrey was wearing a tweed suit and covering himself in chocolate-chip-cookie dough. He danced around on court at a basketball game, and then he scraped the cookie dough from his body, baked the cookies, and sold them for five bucks a pop. Proceeds went to the homeless.

SPEAKING OF FUNDRAISERS
If you live in San Francisco, you should go to the 826 Valencia fundraiser tonight. It's from 6:30 p.m. to 10 p.m., $10 at the door, and the proceeds go to Dave Egger's writing workshops for kids. Mr. Eggers himself will be there, and they'll also be celebrating the release of McSweeny's Issue #8. All the cool kids are going. Also, there will be chips.

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6.7.02 GROCERY SHOPPING
Me: Oh my God. They have individual little snack-size packs of ranch dressing now. Americans are disgusting. Is it too exhausting to pour it out of the bottle so you can dip stuff in it?
Guy 1: No, no. The foil tops make it easier to stick a straw in.
Me: Ha! Why don't we just mainline it?
Guy 2: (Announcer voice) Are you tired of all those pesky ranch delivery vehicles?
Me: The baby carrots have too much texture. Celery detracts from the pure ranch experience.
Guy 1: Awesome.

LUNCH NEAR THE CONVENTION CENTER
Me: What do their badges say?
Guy 1: Digestive Disease Week.
Me: What the hell? It's a conference?
Guy 2: Apparently.
Guy 1: Gotta go guys, I'm off to the Unusual Tongue Growths Panel.
Girl 1: Can we have lunch later? I don't want to miss the Esophageal Extension Roundtable.
Guy 1: I can't wait for the Ulcerous Cavities Birds of a Feather!
Me: I think they heard you.

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6.4.02 OVERHEARD
Scenario: Homeless man approaches woman waiting for the bus.

HM: Hi, Lorraine!
Lorraine: Hi.
HM: Think it'll rain today, Lorraine?
L: Maybe.
HM: Maybe it'll rain, Lorraine?
L: Maybe it will.
HM: Because it's like "rain" from Lorraine. Then "lor" like "folklore," like it might be true. So maybe it'll rain, Lorraine.
L: Yep.
HM: Do you understand me?
L: Yes.
HM: Really?
L: Well, not all the time.
HM: We need cue cards like they have on I Love Lucy with Desi Arnaz.

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