Mighty Girl
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contact: maggie at mightygirl dot net

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8.29.03 MY SUBCONSCIOUS AT WORK
I dreamt that they brought out our wedding cake and it was shaped like a giant teddy bear head. They had stuck a mini bride and groom in its forehead to make it seem more weddingy. This made it look like a unicorn teddy bear with cake-topper horn. I asked the baker what was going on, and she said it was artistic license.

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8.27.03 ACHILLES INTACT
While I was walking downtown yesterday, a cab actually sped through a puddle and sprayed me. I didn't think that happened in real life. It felt very "Sex and the City." (Indignance! Exasperation! Just look at my couture tutu!) Except that instead of clacking my way to Soho House in five-inch Manolos, I was en route to the dentist in my Converse. Covet my rock-and-roll lifestyle.

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8.26.03 AND THE LIVIN' IS EASY
San Francisco is finally getting its summer. For the next five days or so, we'll be basking in 80-degree weather and soaking in self-tanning lotion.

Yesterday I wore a miniskirt in celebration. I'd forgotten two things about miniskirts: 1) When you're taking public transportation, you really want to review your seat for foreign substances before you sit down. Really. 2) The bums won't leave you alone. This is because warm-weather clothing in SF is a signal that you're obviously a tourist, and therefore more willing to give them a buck so they'll stop following you.

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TRAGEDIES
On the list of things I'm not losing sleep over, the inmate-assisted death of Father Geoghan who was accused of molesting 130 children.

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8.21.03 WEDDING QUOTES
Me: What about, " Where there is love, there is pain."
Her: That's perfect.
Me: "Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love."
Her: Coffee and what?
Me: "Three things can't be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love."
Her: Pottery?

Other promising options include:
  • Loving a woman who scorns you is like licking honey from a thorn.
  • Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.
  • What female heart can despise gold?


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STUFFY
On the corner of Eddy and Polk there is a slow, shuffling man without pants. More accurately, this man has decided to pull down his pants and underwear until they are just below his bare bum. This makes it difficult to walk, but he inches along, drawing barely a glance from those around him. Who would begrudge him a little air?

San Francisco tolerance combined with the temperate clime is apparently a recipe for men without pants. I've seen scores in the past few years, and it continues to crack me up. Somehow, I've never been moved to take off my own pants and walk around. Maybe I need to loosen up.

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8.19.03 CANTALOUPE PORN
I turned on the T.V. It was tuned to Martha Stewart who said, "And wait 'til you see what she does with melon balls!"

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8.18.03 COPY PAPER RUN
Office Max has stereos for sale. A customer who's testing the speakers tunes it to a hip-hop station.

Me: Nothing makes you feel whiter than gangsta rap
Rachel: Gangsta rap in Office Max.
Me: True dat.

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8.15.03 CHANCES ARE
I go grocery shopping with Rachel, and suddenly our cart is missing.

Where's our cart?
Wha..?
Where's our cart?
Shit, my wallet was in there.
Shit.

Rachel hunts down the embarrassed girl who accidentally took our cart, reclaims the cart and my wallet, and puts my wallet in her purse. Ten minutes later the cart is about half full.

Where's our cart?
Right there.
Where?
Behind the potatoes.
No, it's not.
What the f---?
This is unbelievable.

We hunt down the new girl who took our cart. She gives us a nasty look as we approach. She does not like people. She especially does not like people approaching her cart.

Excuse me, I think you may have accidentally taken our cart.
I don't think so. This is my cart. (sneers)
Oh... Uh...
This is my cart.
Really? Did you have two bags of broccoli...
This is definitely my cart. (begins pulling cart away from us)
...and two separate bags of potatoes and two separate bags of snap peas...
Oh. I guess it isn't my cart.
Yeah.
Sorry.
No problem.

That last bit, the apology? It was unconvincing. Later, we were forced to mock her. "This is my Mac 'N' Cheese." "Oh, I don't think so. What you have there is my Mac 'N' Cheese."

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8.14.03 HECTIC
Life has been busy lately. Wedding planning combined with book proposal writing has kept my brain humming. A few days ago, I made myself lunch, and sat down to work. About an hour later, I wondered why I was so hungry, having just eaten. I thought for a minute, and walked over to the microwave. Inside was my lunch.

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8.12.03 I'M JUST SAYING
Me: What do you think of this new lipstick?
Bryan: Eh. Gloss is more of a night makeup.
Me: (Blink. Blink.)
Bryan: What?

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8.08.03 HARD NEWS
The title of this article is: "Wild Chihuahuas Spared Execuation". It is on CNN.

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8.08.03 DETAILS
Flipping through the invitation book at our local stationer.

Me: These are lovely.
Bryan: Wow. Yeah.
Me: They're not red though.
Bryan: That was my thought.
Me: But do people really remember enough about the invitation to be surprised that it doesn't match the wedding colors?
Bryan: No way. I can't imagine a single person doing that.
Me: What if they do? What if there are entire groups of people sitting around wondering why our wedding invitation doesn't match our table clothes and the bridesmaid dresses?
Bryan: Come on. No one is going to notice.
Me: I think I might be one of those people who noticed.
Bryan: No, you wouldn't.
Me: I might.
Bryan: Well then, I think you may be the exception to the rule.
Me: And/or the kind of person we wouldn't want to be friends with anyway.
Bryan: Ha! True. Let's get them.
Me: OK.

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8.07.03 UNBEARABLE AND TRIFLING
From Life of Pi by Yann Martel:

"I would have won the Governor General's Academic Medal... were it not for a beef-eating pink boy with a neck like a tree trunk and a temperament of unbearable good cheer.
I still smart a little at the slight. When you've suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling."

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8.05.03 NEW STUFF
The Morning News just published my latest piece, Wedding Guide, Part II: Ten Ways to Mess Up Your Marriage Proposal. If you go there, you can read it.

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8.04.03 WHAT YEAR IS IT AGAIN?
An all-too-familiar excerpt from Here Comes the Guide Companion magazine Spring 2003:

"Don't forget: That man in the corner is your fiance. While you may have intended to plan the entire wedding yourself, consider including him in the process. Because he loves you, he'll tag along with you to the florist, caterer, photographer and wedding planner. And because he loves you, he'll forgive you for saying stream-of-consciousness things like, "Oh honey don't you just love this it's so adorable how does it look on me oooh I just have to have it!" Even though he probably won't share your boundless enthusiasm for picking out party favors or linens, he'll do what he can--chauffer you around and say "uh-huh" a lot, despite the fact that he really doesn't understand much of what's going on."

Dear anonymous author,

Bite me.

Sincerely,
Maggie Berry

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